bandits at 10 o 'clock

Hi team,

Ferg here, i thought i would post a few blogs on here as well to prove that Cer hasn't smacked me over the noggin with a spade and buried me under the patio. I would also add that my entries are my opinions alone and do not reflect the views of my lush missus.

Our trip so far has been amazing and the countries we have seen have been unbelievable but i'll probably go into that more as we go on. As for Italy, I love it, the way of life here is great and the people are too(Except when they get behind the wheel of a car - see later). Unlike the experience we had in France, they love you trying to speak their language and will do anything to help, unfortunately for my waist, the food and wine is also heavenly. Not long til the wedding and i cannot wait, the only sad thing is that the closer we get to the wedding is one day less we have here but that still doesnt stop the excitement and the butterflies!!

Anyhoo on to my experiences on the roads...You know that bit in Return of the Jedi when Lando Calrissian is in charge of the Millenium Falcon and they are attacking the new Death Star? ok? then you will also remember that all of a sudden out of no where comes about a 1000 tie fighters from all directions, all speeds and with no sense of any safety for any other pilot, friend or foe. now if you exchange me for Lando, our Peugeot 206 for the Falcon and the Tie Fighter pilots for every Italian driver in the world then you have a fair idea of what i have had to deal with the moment i left the tunnel and entered Italy from France.

One of my bestest buddies in the world Morgatron is hand on heart, one of the scariest drivers i have ever met but over here they would build monuments in his honour as the safest driver in Italy.

With month of experience driving over here i have put together a little tick test to help any of you wanting to drive over here.

1. You are driving at breakneck speed on the italian motorway and you need to catch up with news. do you
a. wait until you reach your destination then get up to date
b. Turn on the radio hoping to catch the news but being careful as you are driving about 90 mph
c. Open your newspaper and read it whilst swerving into all three lanes, ignoring gesticulating drivers because your need to read your piggin star signs is much more important than not killing people

2. You are driving along the road and the car infront slows down and indicates left, do you?
a. Slow down to make sure the driver turns safely
b. speed up but its ok there is no oncoming traffic so it will turn quickly
c. ignore the cars indicator and intention and try and overtake because its slowed down

3. You are going on a car journey but you have your little 4 year old daughter with you, do you?
a. put her in the childs car seat in the back, seat belt on and give her some toys to play with to pass the time
b. you havent put a childs seat in so put her in the back with an adults seatbelt on, its the not safest but its a step in the right direction
c. sod safety put your child on your lap and drive around like a complete twat

4. You are driving up on a steep and bendy mountain road, do you?
a. Slow down and take it easy, you are a long time dead
b. If there are passing spaces then no problem just drive a bit carefully
c. Hammer the car like there is no tomorrow, overtake on corners especially lorries and buses and if you cheat death by mere metres and someone blows their horn behave like they have stolen your grans handbag and go mental.

If you answered all A's - you are a safe driver, bit too safe really, bit boring probably...
if you answered all B's - you are pretty safe but take risks or you are a albanian transvestite (i dont make the rules, you just are)
if you answered all C's - you are a C or more than likely have some Italian blood in you..

All those C's happened to me. Its funny, the Italians really are a contradiction, it seems that they have an enormous book of traffic laws which they almost go out of their way to ignore or break. They overtake wherever and whenever they want. Not can, but want. They don't park their cars they abandon them and in the middle of a busy road they just stop, get out of the car and let their lift out, they dont even look behind. But if, God forbid you go swimming without a cap or order a cappuchino after half past 10 in the morning they will go into catatonic shock............